lets have coffee and a little chat

kay.
lots has gone on, which is my lame excuse for not blogging!
however, I wont get rid of the blog..
just took a break.







kids are growing up:

Our little family, is/has been going thru some major hard times.  We had a little bit of a break up.  Daddy and I.  Brings a lump to my throat to tell this world.  Cuz that makes it all the more real.
We tried.
we tried hard to keep it together we did.
The dream we were waiting for just didn't seem to come for us.
It wasn't going to come

So, despite the varied impeding reactions from our family, friends and acquaintances,
despite the massive wall of dark hurt and ripped open hearts,
the need for a full restructuring of housing, finances, memories, EVerythings,
despite the wonderful times we had,
the memories we made all over this country and the world,
despite the love we still have for eachother,
the beautyful kids we have together

...thought it was best to part ways.

I wont go into the reasons why. 

(i am balling writing this)
(there are many layers of grief)

It has been the hardest thing I recall going through.
Now that I have been through it, I have a different appreciation for divorces and break ups that I see.

I kept thinking:  how has ANYONE ever lived through this?!?!?!?!

I lived/am living through it.
cried about 4 gallons of tears out of my face this summer.

"and then the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was greater than the risk to blossom"
- Anais Nin



some things I have learned:

- Going thru a break up means grieving

- everyone goes thru grief differently and on different timelines

- Nothing is permanent... even those things you thought were set in stone

- growth is HARD,  and positive in the end.

- supportive friends, family and fellowships were crucial for me.  as was a journal

- "one day at a time" is a good slogan!

- saddness comes out like layers of the onion.
you think you're over that part, then a whole nother cry fest comes out of no where.
Its like the new sad thing has to be looked at from all perspectives in order to organize itself as real.

- children are incredibly bouncy and much more able to accept the present moment as it is than us.





Life goes on though!



I am grateful for my job
source of income
distraction from reality when needed!

and for the path that I am on

... however rough sometimes.  

My scars make me strong